so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
