god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
