I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
