dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
