I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
