I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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