I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Randomize
