i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
