yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
