dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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