Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
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