Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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