I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
