he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
