I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
