So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
