I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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