i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
