I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
