Me. At least after what I've been through.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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