Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
