The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
