we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
