My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Hippo gnu deer
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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