I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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