The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
