Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Randomize
