Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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