i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
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