I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
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