dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
