If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
