I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize