Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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