he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
