i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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