Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
