I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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