I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize