He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
