I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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