my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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