Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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