Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize