the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
