I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
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