Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
