weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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