Even water is tasting like jack daniels
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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