one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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