My first STD was from a foam party
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Randomize
