Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
