So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
