the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
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