I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
