If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
