I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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