we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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