franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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