At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
