Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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