matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize